I know…it’s Tuesday. The world has had to wait one extra day for the wit and wisdom of K.C. I hope know one was holding their breath… Cheers!
People ask me weird questions all the time. “K.C., What are some of the bigger drawbacks of surfing naked?” or “Have you ever pooped your pants as an adult, while driving?” or “Who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen at 3 a.m.?”, and so on and so forth, you get the idea. I figured as long as I’m fielding strange questions from my family and friends, I might as well let the general public get in on the mix.
Well Harry, I hear the Netherlands are beautiful this time of year, how is Amsterdam? As far as manscaping goes, it’s pretty necessary in surfing. Especially for a hairball like you. Get out the clippers and put the #1 length guard on. Never, and I repeat never, shave without the guard by the ol fruit basket. It will end badly. Trust me. Your girl will be stoked that she doesn’t have to feel like she’s noodling in a catfish hole in backwoods Kentucky to find your ding dong.
I have a question: I don’t drink and haven’t for quite some time. Why do my friends get drunk and call me at 2:00am? Its not like I’m going to get out of bed, come to the “afterparty” and hangout til the sun comes up so I can feel like death warmed over for the next two days.
This sounds like a cry for help to be honest with you. Do you even realize what you are missing out on? Drunk people after 2:00 a.m. are a bundle of joy to be around. Intelligent conversations, predictable behavior, fantastic decision making, these are all things you don’t have to worry about when you open yourself up to hosting a gaggle of drunken derelicts in your home after the bars close. Do you realize how many penises you could have drawn on passed out foreheads by now.
So here is my problem. I have a daughter who is very innocent looking but very mischievous and clever. The other day we are sitting in the living room and she says “Hey mom, do you want to see my secret weapon?” I being curious say “Absolutely!” She pulls her pants down, farts and says “Watch this clear the room out.” Next time we are at a restaurant she catches a fart in her hand, asks the server if he wants to smell her flower and releases the fart into his face! Mind you this was funny once or twice but it becoming a habit. What do I do? My daughter wont stop farting.
Your daughter sounds awesome. Don’t change a thing. Because hey, farts are funny. In fact, I would look online to see what kind of parent/child farting activities you could do as a team. It could bring you two closer together. If you can stand the smell.
The old adage that hard work brings success is bullshit. The harder I work, the broker I get and the more stress I have. How do I convert to being a beach bum like I see around Flagler Beach? You know, guys on old bikes, carrying a six pack of beer, without a care in the world look on their face? I pass them on the street with envy. Lucky lazy bastards.
Well good news Gary, you can be one of those people! All you have to do is give up on trying to appear like a respectable member of society. Look, you’ve tried your best and you’ve failed miserably. You’ve learned an important lesson: never try. It’s just the first step towards failure. Now go get that Schwinn and a six-pack, nay, a twelve-pack of Natty Ice and live the life you were always meant to!
Do you have a question that needs a questionable answer?
Send it to firstname.lastname@example.org with “Need Advice” in the subject line and K.C. will hook you up.
Answers will be posted each Monday, at some point in time, for your ultimate reading pleasure 🙂