Dear K.C. 8-15-16

Perhaps you were as “out of sorts” as we were with the kiddos going back to school last week.  Having to adjust from a “sure you can stay up until 11 watching the Olympics because that is team spirit” Summer Schedule to “you have to go to bed now because tomorrow you have to wake up and actually do something” routine.  It’s kind of like a culture shock…but you know it’s coming and still don’t prepare for it.  So that is why last week there was no Q&A. But all the little good children are off to school which gives you a moment of freedom or maybe you don’t have that restriction and just have some time to kill, either way…

700-X-75

People ask me weird questions all the time. “K.C., What are some of the bigger drawbacks of surfing naked?” or “Have you ever pooped your pants as an adult, while driving?” or “Who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen at 3 a.m.?”, and so on and so forth, you get the idea. I figured as long as I’m fielding strange questions from my family and friends, I might as well let the general public get in on the mix. 

Ask me anything, no topics are off limits and your identity will be kept anonymous. 
What makes me qualified to answer general questions about life? Nothing at all! But watching a 34 year-old man-child try to give rational answers to complex questions sure will be entertaining, fire away!
I will personally guarantee you fantastic advice and answers in the form of hilarity. 
PS…no worries, you will remain anonymous. Maybe 🙂

 Dear KC,

I need some fashion advice. I want to look polished and well put together, but at the same time not look like I tried too hard to do so. 
Here are the troublesome caveats, I want to appear as if I have my shit together when I meet beautiful age appropriate women  (34 – 44), yet I want to appeal to the hot young girls in their early 20’s with daddy issues, without dressing to look like their dad. 
This is a serious issue that I’m sure you can help with, despite that you dress like a 15 year old summer camper. 

Sincerely, 
Anonymous

Dear Anonymous,

I dress like a 15 year old summer camper? I hadn’t noticed. I’ve been too busy…..getting laid. There are two schools of thought on this. The first being the “bad boy” look:  get a couple of deep v’s, some torn jeans, puka shell necklace, spray tan and do your hair up like the oxygen stealers from the Jersey Shore, this will ensure maximum club bro effectiveness. I’m going to level with you, you’re going to look like a rapist, but you aren’t. At worst you are a domestic abuser. For some reason women are into that though, especially the ones with daddy issues.

For reference:

Screen Shot 2016-08-15 at 9.57.33 AM

If you aren’t into that look you can always go the “prep” look. You’ll need a pink Abercrombie polo shirt, do not forget to “pop” the collar. Oh right, you need Sperry Top-Siders, even though you don’t own a boat and are rarely on them. Don’t ask me why, I didn’t make the rules. Let’s go ahead and stick with the Abercrombie model and get some nice short shorts, Robin’s egg blue. Of course, you are going to need to tuck your polo into these unnecessarily tight shorts. If you are worried about how your package is going to fit in to this bunched up mess do not fret, for alas, you have no junk. If you dress like this you have, at best, a baby D. Also, don’t forget the roofies, it’s the only way you will be getting laid.

For reference:

Screen Shot 2016-08-15 at 9.57.42 AM

I hope this helps. If you’ll excuse me they are about to serve lunch at my summer camp.

 

Ɔ˙ʞ ɹɐǝp

 ¿punoɹƃ ǝɥʇ uo ʞɔɐq ʇǝǝɟ ʎɯ ʇǝƃ I uɐɔ ʍoH ˙pɐǝɥ sʇᴉ uᴉ uɹnʇ slǝǝɟ ʇsnɾ ƃuᴉɥʇʎɹǝʌƎ ˙˙˙uᴉƃǝq oʇ ǝɹǝɥʍ ǝɹns ʇou ɯ,I ˙ʎlǝʇɐl ǝɯ ɹoɟ uʍop ǝpᴉsdn ʎllɐǝɹ uǝǝq ǝʌɐɥ sƃuᴉɥʇ

Okay, first of all you are an ass. I don’t know how you were able to do this, but the end result was me flipping my laptop over to try and read it only to bungle the exchange and have my computer land squarely on my manhood. I’m writing this with a freakin package of frozen peas on the unit and his boys. If for some reason I am no longer able to have kids I hold you solely responsible. You should probably also buy me a beer next time you see me. If only to distract me from my looming infertility. 

Dear K.C.

I drive a transportation bus and one of the ladies I pick up talks to herself NONSTOP. It probably wouldn’t be so bad if it wasn’t Filipino. Every once in awhile a sentence comes through in English. I totally become stressed out the whole trip because I feel I’m being rude not answering her. What would you do Mr Wilson?

Have you tried turning the radio up aggressively loud? I remember I had to give a stranger a ride home, for reasons I would rather not go into, and after about 5 minutes of idle chit chat we ran out of things to talk about. Then I slowly turned the radio up to a level in which they would have to ask me to turn it down to hear anything they said. Yeah, it was kind of a jerk move. I get it, but I’d much rather be thought of as an asshole than go through something so awkward that I contemplated bailing from a moving car in which I was driving. If you don’t want to look like the bad guy, may I suggest you have a conversation with yourself as well? Every time she starts talking, you can start talking to yourself too. It’ll be kinda like a rap battle. Between crazy people. 

Dear K.C.
Johnny Depp is my favorite…

He truly becomes the characters he plays. Mr. Wilson, if you could be one of the many different people he has portrayed who would it be and why?

Hunter S. Thompson. Easy. One of my all-time favorite writers. That man packed more experiences into one life than everybody I know combined. Also, while working on the Fear and Loathing in Las Vegas movie he actually hung with Johnny Depp for months, and that dude is freakin dreamy. Jack Sparrow would have been cool but he was a pirate and was probably around sand a lot and sand is a huge bummer to me. When I surf I feel like I should be chair lifted to the water’s edge then carried back in on a strong guy’s back as to not touch that filthy, stupid sand. The F outta here with that sand. I’m sorry for yelling.

Do you have a question that needs a questionable answer?

Send it to flaglersurf.com@gmail.com with “Need Advice” in the subject line and K.C. will hook you up.
Answers will be posted each Monday, at some point in time,  for your ultimate reading pleasure 🙂


disclaimer-900-x-200