Dear K.C. 7-18-2016

Man… it feels like the world is being sucked into a black hole of sadness.   I feel guilty at the moment because my footsteps are light.  But through it all I realize moving forward is the only way to go, so my hope is that people will soon find a rhythm that brings a smile to their face and a grove to their step.  We need some happiness.

My contribution…well I take absolutely no credit for it…not one single bit.  And it will either make you laugh out loud or give you one more reason to feel humanity is at the end.
Either way it’s Monday and that means….


People ask me weird questions all the time. “K.C., What are some of the bigger drawbacks of surfing naked?” or “Have you ever pooped your pants as an adult, while driving?” or “Who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen at 3 a.m.?”, and so on and so forth, you get the idea. I figured as long as I’m fielding strange questions from my family and friends, I might as well let the general public get in on the mix. 
Ask me anything, no topics are off limits and your identity will be kept anonymous. 
What makes me qualified to answer general questions about life? Nothing at all! But watching a 34 year-old man-child try to give rational answers to complex questions sure will be entertaining, fire away!
I will personally guarantee you fantastic advice and answers in the form of hilarity. 
PS…no worries, you will remain anonymous. Maybe.
How do I manage radically different political views with my current partner? He is very conservative and I am a radical liberal.

Well clearly it isn’t going to work out between you two. You should cut your losses and let me take you out to a little gem we like to call “Walts”. No, in reality it isn’t as big of an issue as you may think. As long as you can both respect each other’s difference of opinion you should be fine. If you love the other characteristics about him I’d say you are doing pretty well only having to listen to regurgitated fox news propaganda from time to time. And only Ninja Turtles say “radical” anymore. 

So, what are the spiritual repercussions of pulling a no-flusher in the church bathroom?

That’s a tough one. Was it a regular dump and go or was it an upper decker? For those of you that don’t know what an “upper decker” is, it’s when you take the back off the toilet and poop in it so every time someone flushes it poopie water fills the bowl instead of clean water. I’m not allowed in several people’s homes because of that one. But back to the question: you are going to hell, but I’m sure you knew that already.
The fact that there is a “disclaimer ” on your post makes it feel like a prescription. All of the population was given access to Facebook through expression of their thoughts, now it seems to be all about what is wrong. I have plenty of questions but none of them could be answered by the simple man. The only truth is that we are in the same boat. Our struggles are the same in different categories. So I suppose if I had a question it would be, how do we get on the same page, as a whole?

It is highly unlikely that we will ever be on the same page as a whole until we decide to collectively celebrate our differences instead of using them as a way to tear each other apart. Individually we can do our part, raising our children to love one another regardless of our political, religious, economic and racial differences would be a great start. Too often the problems of a current generation can be traced back to the prejudices of the former generation. I guess we just need to try to teach our youth to do a better job than we did. Or just drink until you can’t feel feelings anymore, works for me. 

Hey Mr. Wilson,
My brother is getting out of jail soon, and I am the reason he is in there… Anyway, what would you do if you had one more day on Earth to live? Asking for a friend.

Treading Lightly

Dear Treading Lightly,

Yikes. Well first, you should probably get your brother a gift when he gets out. How about a cake? People love cake. Bake a cake with a nail file in it and have it read something like “My Bad. Too Little, Too Late?” Publix can probably handle this. I’m sure he’ll see the humor in that. Now if I had only one day left on Earth? The father in me would want to spend it with my son Taj, doing as many fun things as we could fit into 24 hours. If I didn’t have that little turd burglar to hang with, things would go much differently. I’d probably wake up early and go surfing, even if the waves were crap. Then I would go get a gigantic breakfast feast and drink 10 or so mimosas. After that I would start day-drunk-dialing ex girlfriends and beg them to hang out with me for my last day on Earth. When that fails I’ll head to Walts, asses the crowd, and immediately walk out and go get some tall boys and sit on my porch with my dog and try to rope any passerby into a lengthy and uncomfortable conversation about the weather. I’ll tire of that eventually and come inside to make tacos. I’ll eat those bad boys up and then put something on Netflix, probably It’s Always Sunny in Philadelphia. The last words that my brain computes will be “Does your cat make TOO MUCH NOISE??” from the Kitten Mittens episode. I will leave this planet with a smile on my face and a belly full of tacos. 

Why do Men have nipples? Really, why? Scientifically we’ve explained them as an evolutionary byproduct or vestige of starting off as girls in the womb with our one X chromosome. But really, what is the practical, real world reason Men have nipples?

Thanks for the question, weirdo. You probably won’t be satisfied with an answer of “because titty twisters and purple nurples are funny” so I won’t go there. We basically need nipples because we would look super strange without them. Imagine if you can for a second, a man standing on the beach, the sun beating down against his chest, a chest that is nippleless, just well oiled nippleless skin as far as you can see. Haha, I just made you imagine a dude with his shirt off using my words…

So what is your question?
Send it to [email protected] with “Need Advice” in the subject line and K.C. will hook you up.

Answers to questions will be posted each Monday for your reading pleasure 🙂