Dear K.C. 7/25/16

It’s amazing how quickly the week goes by…especially when you realize all the things you were “gonna do” resulted in absolutely nothing getting done and several more items added to the list. Never, ever, ending…but there’s at least a bright spot to this little poor me story.  The questions have continued to roll in and Kyle has not disappointed…at least while using his pen and paper.  So000 here’s the Monday Q & A….it’s kind of like a bed time story except it’s not appropriate for children and possibly a little disturbing. Cheers 🙂


People ask me weird questions all the time. “K.C., What are some of the bigger drawbacks of surfing naked?” or “Have you ever pooped your pants as an adult, while driving?” or “Who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen at 3 a.m.?”, and so on and so forth, you get the idea. I figured as long as I’m fielding strange questions from my family and friends, I might as well let the general public get in on the mix. 
Ask me anything, no topics are off limits and your identity will be kept anonymous. 
What makes me qualified to answer general questions about life? Nothing at all! But watching a 34 year-old man-child try to give rational answers to complex questions sure will be entertaining, fire away!
I will personally guarantee you fantastic advice and answers in the form of hilarity. 
PS…no worries, you will remain anonymous. Maybe.
Dear Kyle,
I Just found out they are about to bring out powdered alcohol to add to water. What do you think?

First off, let me just say that I friggin love science. Oh man. And secondly, we are in big, big trouble. You know how there are some things that should just never exist? The atom bomb, AIDS, Justin Bieber. Well this just might not be one of them, but on the other hand it just might be. It sure would make all my quitter friends that drink water instead of beer a lot more fun after I slip it in their Aquafina. Science be praised!

So as I sit on my back porch and pull smoke into my lungs from the fifth tar filled cigarette I’ve smoked today, I can’t help but think to myself, who am I? Who are any of us? What are we doing here? I mean besides posting funny, stupid, racist things on the internet… Mr. Wilson I ask you because it seems that no one knows their purpose on this earth. It’s easy to say (I’m a father, brother, sister, mother, child) but WHO AM I? WHO ARE WE AS INDIVIDUALS? What makes me so different than anyone else tripping over their feet on this rock we call earth? I guess I’m ranting now so I’ll dial it back and ask the real question everyone should ask themselves. What do you like in your tacos?

We are organic decaying matter like everything else, no less important, no more important. Except tacos, they are more important than any of us. Hard shell, refried beans, lettuce, tomatoes, green peppers, jalapenos, black olives, red onions, sour cream, shredded cheese, Cholula and oh my god I’m going to make tacos right now thank you.

Dear Kyle,
People keep driving by the front of my house super fast and there’s even a speed bump right there. I’m not 60, so shaking a cane at them angrily won’t work, but I’ve got a small child who’s a decent enough guy that doesn’t deserve to be hit. How can I slow these people down?

Who’s word am I supposed to take that your kid is decent, yours? Listen, I’ve met a lot of children and let me tell you, most of them are sticky little mouth-breathers. I’ll take your word for it in this scenario for the sake of posterity. First step is buying one of those old cop cars at auction. Then you paint it the colors of your local law enforcement and stick it in the driveway. Next you buy a full sized human dummy from the dummy store because those exist, I’m sure. Now all you need is a police uniform to dress it in and a fake radar gun aimed out the window. Problem solved! Also, tell your slow-poke kid to stay out of the road I’ve almost hit him 3 times this week.

My question is….If Egyptologists have been studying the pyramids for 30-40 years and and still haven’t come up with new shit, who is paying these mofos? How do I get a job where 17 years in my boss is like ” Hey man, just keep pushing, you’ll get something soon!!” I mean seriously nothin, like the recent discovery that the pyramids aren’t perfectly square. Some dude on google earth discovered that… What do these people do? They still can’t figure out how they actually lifted stones!!!!!

Sincerely, Mind bottling

Dear Mind Bottling,
Don’t hate the playa, hate the game. You should have become an Egyptologist.  If you ask me, you should be more pissed off that you didn’t land this job: 

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Do you have a question that needs a questionable answer?
Send it to [email protected] with “Need Advice” in the subject line and K.C. will hook you up.

Answers will be posted each Monday, at some point in time,  for your ultimate reading pleasure 🙂