Dear K.C. 9-26-16

A question people have been asking…Where the heck is K.C.?


We all know that getting a straight answer is out of the question, but at least he wasn’t sending any of us requests for bail money. At least not me anyway. So without a bunch more fluff here’s what you’ve been waiting for…


People ask me weird questions all the time. “K.C., What are some of the bigger drawbacks of surfing naked?” or “Have you ever pooped your pants as an adult, while driving?” or “Who are you and what are you doing in my kitchen at 3 a.m.?”, and so on and so forth, you get the idea. I figured as long as I’m fielding strange questions from my family and friends, I might as well let the general public get in on the mix. 

Ask me anything, no topics are off limits and your identity will be kept anonymous. 
What makes me qualified to answer general questions about life? Nothing at all! But watching a 34 year-old man-child try to give rational answers to complex questions sure will be entertaining, fire away!
I will personally guarantee you fantastic advice and answers in the form of hilarity. 
PS…no worries, you will remain anonymous. Maybe ?

Dear K.C.

So I’ve been Facebook talking to this really really hot chick from Brazil. Things have been going good but she lives a bajillion miles away. What do you think of long-distance relationships? Also why do my farts leak?

Good job bro, Brazilian chicks are dope, but I hope you know that you are probably talking to a 54 year-old man in Des Moines, Iowa. If on the off chance that I am somehow wrong about that and you are actually talking to a Brazilian beauty I would still be sketched out by the whole Zika situation. Small-headed babies sound pretty entertaining in theory but are probably a lot of work. But, if she isn’t a dude, and doesn’t have Zika, you still have the long distance relationship issue to deal with. I could feed you some sappy line about “Distance is just a test to see how far love can travel” but let’s be real homie, that’s not how things work in the real world. Girls are scandalous and guys are creepers, unfortunately. Say she is loyal, and isn’t named Gary, and doesn’t want to bear you’re tennis ball headed children, you still have to worry about your medical condition of having leaky farts. That’s gross man, nobody else in the world has that problem and there is something seriously wrong with you.
Hey KC,
Why do we call completed structures buildings?   They are no longer building them, shouldn’t they be called ‘builts’ at this point?
Dude, how high are you right now ? 
Yo KC – question for you.   
Why do we park in Driveway yet drive on a Parkway?


I see you’ve been partaking in whatever #2 has been smoking, huh Chris? 
Dear K.C.
Please explain Quantum Physics to me…I went to college, and had a class that said: We didn’t have to take our final exam if we watched “What the bleep: Down the Rabbit Hole” …now my brain feels completely fried and I am second guessing what may be my true thoughts and opinions, and what may be inserted by other dimensions…WTF..
I’m going to level with you, I tried watching this film several times and the furthest I made it was 3/4 of the way through before I started panicking and subscribing to nihilist newsletters. It’s a pretty heavy movie, really well done aside from when they started pandering to retards like me by having cartoonishly bad actors explain physics using a damn basketball. Jordan what have straight packed that deaf lady, bringing that weak shit in my house…  I’ll eventually watch it all the way through, but I could see how it can effect someone, it certainly made me question a lot about our existence. If I still smoked the ganja I’m fairly certain I would have curled up into the fetal position and would continue to be like that to this day. Say no to drugs kids. Especially if a cop asks you if you have any.
Dear K.C.
Who do we really know Mr. Wilson?
I try to know as few people as possible, the less people you know the less likely you are to have to help someone move. I know my son, I’ve been introduced to my parents and I’m aware of my siblings. As far as anyone else, I don’t know anything other than what they tell me. If I was listening, which is about 50% of the time. Usually I just tune them out and imagine the theme song from “Friends” playing on a loop. Clap clap clap clap. 
Dear K.C.
Alright brother.

This is coming from someone that knows you. But you don’t really know me well.
Here’s the thing, and someone will prolly recognize me just by the situation.
I recently started talking to this girl. Really started liking her a lot. Was talking with her about going out to dinner and getting to know each other better. Well my dumb ass got drunk and sent someone a message about how good they looked. Completely innocent. I was in no way hitting on the person. Tho they took it that way. And of course it screwed up my chances with the person I was talking to. Now she no longer wants to go out or anything. So what do I do?

Sounds like a blessing in disguise. You probably just saved yourself and her valuable time that you both could have spent pursuing someone else. When I’m into someone the whole world gets the volume turned down, I don’t think about other women and I especially don’t drunkenly message or call them. But that’s just meand if I’m single I usually won’t talk to any women unless they talk to me first. I just don’t really care to deal with the pursuit very much anymore. Even if the message was innocent, you’ve definitely put yourself behind the 8 ball in the trust department. Once that is gone there is almost no chance of recovery, and with it happening so early on you might as well chalk this one up to a mistake that you hopefully won’t make again. That or drunkenly message every girl you know and see what sticks. Super romantic wedding story in there somewhere.
Dear K.C.
I don’t know how to process my lack of care for turning another year old. Until this year it has always been a big to-do and now I just want laundry folded as a gift…wait, what was my question? I think I feel bad because it’s making me feel tired and older which is no fun. I can’t reason with paying $100+ for a hangover that lasts 3 days anymore. If I stop celebrating it could mean I’m maturing and that’s horrible news. Help me stranger, help…
That’s not horrible news, that’s great news! Now all of your fun friends will stop calling you to go to the club or bar. And that’s awesome. You will no longer have to think up excuses about why you had to cancel and you can sit around watching Netflix in your pj’s while devouring a pint of Ben & Jerry’s. Also, while you’re folding laundry is it cool if I drop my stuff off? I mean, you’re going to be doing that anyway and there is this hot new club opening in Orlando and some friends and I just got a bunch of Molly and wanted to go. Thanks mom!
Dear K.C.

Sometimes my old lady buys me those fancy board shorts that do not have a proper fly – the kind with a useless stretchy area or even fake stitching up the front… Do you think she’s possibly unaware of the awkward over or under conundrum this can lead to? Or is she just trying to mess with me?


Haha! Oh man, I hate those damn boardies. Here’s how you tell her without actually telling her. From now on, whether you are at the house or out in public make sure you pee like this: drop your baggies all the way to the ground and lift your shirt all the way up. Let your aim be true, sir. I’ve been doing this for years for no other reason than it clears out a public bathroom faster than a bomb threat.



Do you have a question that needs a questionable answer?

Send it to [email protected] with “Need Advice” in the subject line and K.C. will hook you up.
Answers will be posted each Monday, at some point in time,  for your ultimate reading pleasure ?